Due to my recently acquired health insurance free status, when it came time to refill my prescriptions I decided to go ahead and mail order my drugs from Canada… it really was a whole lot cheaper. Thankfully, I can get Zoloft for around $30 a month, but for Lunesta the cheapest I could find was right around $4 per pill. So, I better get used to chronic insomnia again because we just cannot afford that. And I feel so guilty taking a sleeping pill anyway… never mind the fact that I will go years only sleeping 2-3 hours a night or sleeping 6 hours but waking up every hour to toss and turn. This makes my depressive tendencies SOOOOOO much worse, and I am really kinda freaking out about it. I know its terrible to need a pill every night, but Lunesta has allowed me to experience what a full nights sleep actually feels like, and I’m sad to give that up.

Anyway, I received my bulk order of Zoloft from Canada and cracked open the first bottle about a week ago… they looked different. Smaller. But it is a generic, so there are bound to be some differences right? Since I started on this new stuff, my moods and emotions have literally been a rollercoaster. Last week was bad. I ended up staring at the wall for long periods of time, crying and telling J that I had lost my ability to do anything. Two days later, I was laughing at everything, being loud and obnoxious and generally scrappy, unable to concentrate. And now? I’m back on an even keel (for the most part) but still feeling a bit off.

**SIGH**

This is me, this is the way I work. I go-go-go for 28 hours a day for weeks at a time and then collapse in a heap, unable to work up the energy for a shower. Am I ever going to get used to it? Am I ever going to make it work for me? It makes my dreams of being self employed that much more risky… I simply can’t tell a client I’m in a swing and can’t finish their project! (and rightly so…)

I’m lucky to have a husband who can take one look at my face on a bad day, shut off his cell phone, order pizza and let me cry and snivel for awhile without making me feel bad. Who reminds me that I am normal, this is normal, that I can do this. And he’s right. I always bounce back, I just wish I could get rid of the guilt trip I give myself whenever I’m not feeling particularly productive.