I think I may apply for the nursing program at school. Actually at the two schools in my area that offer an RN program… since both have a pretty packed waiting list and determine placement based on grades, test scores and random luck, I figured I should apply to both and get into whichever lets me in first.

I’ve been actually been thinking about this for a long time. I can’t really say its an off the cuff decision, because its something that I’ve found myself interested in over and over again. When I graduated high school, my intention was to go into the program. But at 18, with your head in the clouds and your hormones racing, its easy to be intimidated by the unholy amount of effort and work and unpleasantness that would be required. I’ll admit it… I pussed out.

But now? Well. Lets see. I’ve taken care of a 60 year old schizophrenic with bowel issues that frequently had me elbow deep in poo. Not such a big deal. I’ve worked in a hospital, been yelled at and bitten at and spit on and cussed out and still, I loved my job. I’ve comforted families in the ICU waiting room whose world was crumbling around them and managed to push past the awkwardness of being a stranger in an incredibly intimate situation and offer some condolence and support. I’m 100% sure that everything I’ve experienced will pale in comparison to what I will learn, but at this point in my life I know I can handle it.

Want to know a secret? Something that I’m not sure is a good thing and yet I have a feeling will serve me well if I go ahead in this field? I’m REALLY good at compartmentalizing. I’m not saying I have no heart, I do.  I feel bad for people. But when I’m in those moments where platitudes and sympathy are required, I often find a part of myself standing aside, observing. Its as if I know what everyone needs me to say or do, in the moment, but I’m able to walk away and put it out of my mind. Shrug, and let it go. More than once I have wondered what is wrong with me. Why doesn’t it bother me more? Am I really such a cold fish? Maybe. But for some reason I’m able to think about it, let it go and move on. Maybe the reptile part of my brain is bigger than the human part? Who knows?

The only thing I absolutely believe in this world is that life is not fair. Bad things happen. In my experience, its fairly random. I appreciate the sentiments of those who believe that there is a plan or a destiny or a purpose, and I fully acknowledge that they might be right. There may be a god up there, watching over us all. This may be my 8th time on the wheel of life, struggling to learn the lessons that need learning. But for me, I’m ok with the not knowing. I’m ok with the random. I’m mostly alright with the reality that anyone’s life can be altered, completely and unequivocally fucked up in big way, in just a few moments.

We can’t do anything about it. We can eat our veggies and love each other and try to laugh as much as we can, but we can’t prevent the unforeseen or know the unknowable. To be human is to feel pain. There is no sense thinking you can escape it, because you can’t. Pain is what makes us change. Grow. If we were always comfortable, we would grow stagnant. Happiness would cease to have meaning, because without the duality of pain there can be no pleasure. Oooh, that sounded a bit dominatrix-ish. Ahem.

So as hard and difficult and pressure laden and body fluid filled it might be, this is something I would like to do. I would like to wade in and work through all that pain. I want to meet the challenge. See if I can do it. See if I’m good at it. See if I can help a little. My first challenge? I need to retake the math assessment and qualify for Elementary Algebra. That will save me at least three semesters of math. So, I’m off to find an dummy’s guide to algebra and begin the painful process of trying to entice the left side of my brain to wake up and smell the roses.